Monday,
June 14, 1926
I
try to understand the resistance that is in me. The only thing I do
is to open myself to the force from above and to surrender utterly.
Every time the force comes down I feel it going down to the solar
plexus and then at the level of the belly a resistance is felt that
translates itself into a stiffness of the legs and a peculiar feeling
in the feet and hands also.
Now,
I tried to see what part of the mind was connected with the resistance.
It seems to me that it is the most material and physical part of the
mind, that part which is busy with the form and the collection of
forms, acquiring, dealing with objects, etc.
YES,
but that ought not to interfere with anything. This part of the mind,
the physical mind, is useful and has to do its work. It is not bad unless
it tries to impose its desire. But I suppose that is not so. What do
you feel exactly? And you said you feel the force outside yourself;
don't you feel its workings inside also?
I
feel it come down to the solar plexus, but nothing in the navel. Sometime
before I felt also the muladhara. Now I don't feel it so distinctly,
but there is no strict separation between inside and outside.
Two
reasons for these sensations may be possible. First, the vitality
of the limbs retires in deep meditation and as I am not yet accustomed
I feel a little pain—or there is an obstacle in the path of the
force.
There
is an obstacle in the form of the physical mind. It is often the case
with minds accustomed to be too active. They are not plastic enough,
and they must wear out till they become fully passive to the divine
force. Gradually this opposition will be overcome if you go on surrendering
to the force.
Sometimes
the force, coming down, does not permeate all the chakras and the light
only descends up to what is ready. There is a partial enlightenment,
which improves afterwards. That may be the case if some chakras remain
untouched.
It
seems to me also that I have to reject these lower movements of the
mind, unless they are necessary, and to submit to them as little as
possible.
Exactly
so. This rejection is necessary.
Should
I do some work like the study of Astrology now?
I
would not advise it. For the present leave the mind quiet until the
calm settles. Then afterwards comes the period when the mind changes
its workings. And a work can be taken as a field of action, to carry
out the process.
The
calm that I can, at certain times, produce in my mind is artificial,
so to say. It is imposed by will and must be constantly watched so
that no thought interferes—and it does not last long. But I know
this is not the calm that has to come from above and to settle in
the mind. Nevertheless I always feel that the calm is very close and
the veil is thin and grows thinner and thinner. But I may be wrong
in my expectations?
You said last time that I was not ready. That
means that this part of the mind was not ready to admit the force?
Yes.
Will
it be overcome?
Certainly.
What
happened is this. When you came here you took the work with a very strong
aspiration. But as it goes the defects of the mind rise by and by and
they have to be overcome.
That
is true. From when I came till the coming of X... was a period of
hard work. Then with the coming of X..., for many reasons, I relaxed
my effort and my mind asserted itself again in the old ways. I have
not yet regained the former eagerness and I am now trying to regain
it.
That
is exactly so.
I
suppose there is no need to feel discouraged. I am not at all discouraged,
or even sad, about this process taking so long a time.
No
need at all.
When
I came here you saw in me certain possibilities and also certain difficulties.
Now is there any change in the outlook?
No.
I
mean: do you think it will be possible for me to stay here?
Yes,
certainly. I have the conviction you will stay here.
Monday,
June 21, 1926
There
is a slow improvement but no radical change yet.
The pain in the legs has greatly diminished and I find less obstacles
in the way of the force coming down.
But, nothing has changed. Truly I feel that a strong pressure is behind,
that would, if unveiled, quickly stabilize the mind.
Do
you feel it in the mind?
Yes,
but I know it comes from above the mind.
Also, my mind has a lesser tendency to busy itself with all sorts
of things. The obstacle is always, as it seems to me, that part of
the mind which is active with the most outward aspects of things.
For instance, the part of the mind that rejoices in making a collection
of stamps. And I have still difficulty in retiring from it.
It
is probably a small thing that keeps you up, but it is very obstinate.
I
wonder whether the pain in the legs was not due to tobacco smoking,
for, since I gave up tobacco ten days ago, the pain has decreased.
No,
I don't think so. The craving for tobacco is more a vital desire and
creates a vital obstacle. There is probably some resistance in the body
itself.
But
what is a little unusual is the resistance of the physical mind, at
this stage. Generally it comes at a later stage, and when it comes it
is very obstinate. But in your case, it seems to rise now; this may
be due to the fact that we all are working in the physical mind and
the resistance is there. All rises at the same time. You have to wear
it out. That is all.
I
know that I am doing the right thing and that I am in the proper way,
so there is no anxiety in my mind.
I have always a great difficulty in separating from the physical body
and my meditation is not deep. Every sound, which is a little insistent
or recurring, calls my attention and breaks my meditation.
You
need not be so disturbed. Is it not because you have a fixed idea that
such a sound is able to disturb you?
You could hear it without its leaving any impression in the mind. A
part of the mind would know it, but the central part would not be in
the least disturbed.
No
doubt it is so. A feeble sound enters and goes on unnoticed, but once
my attention is awakened, it is difficult to reject it into quietness.
Which is easier to separate from my true self: the body or the mind?
When
you are out of the body, you are in the true mind!
Sometimes
I feel a part of my consciousness somewhere before my face, but as
soon as I begin realising it, I return speedily to my bodily consciousness.
(A.
G. smiles)
Monday,
June 28, 1926
Sometimes
the activity of my mind is very painful. I feel tired and harassed
by it. No doubt there is in me something that takes pleasure in this
activity, for if there were none, it would cease of itself. But my
conscious will and the greatest part of my being reject it and ...in
freedom. How is it that such a small part opposes victoriously the
process?
It
may be a small part, but it played an important part in past evolution.
In
the beginning of the week, meditation was good. I succeeded in separating
from the mind entirely and keeping it quiet for a while. But the last
days were not successful. At times I feel harassed. Does the mental
resistance not receive a support from the vital?
Yes,
and from the physical also. The physical is the receptacle of the past
habits and supports them. So too does the vital. Therefore no perfection
is possible unless the vital is opened and the physical conquered.
But
you should not insist so much upon the perfection of the mind. It cannot
be perfect now—that is—quiet and luminous. But it must be
sufficiently still to allow the force to come down and work. That is
what is especially needed.
Last
Tuesday I felt as if a great sweetness (there is no better word) was
hovering upon me.
It
is rather in that direction that you should go.
It
means a more active surrender.
Yes.
Not a mere negative effort in the mind. You should insist more upon
the positive aspect. Negative blankness is not an end but a means.
How
is it that even the faint experiences I had—light, deep calm
of the mind—have receded and do not come back?
It
happens so. There is no continuous and regular unfolding, but alternations
of light and darkness—ebb and flow. But the experiences have to
become more and more frequent and prolonged, until they come at will
and mastery is gained.
Monday,
July 12, 1926
My
mind is becoming quieter and I am able to separate myself better from
its workings.
There is also a kind of broadening of consciousness; I feel in touch,
all around the head, with a living medium. It is yet very dim, only
a beginning.
What I am doing is mostly to remain passive, allowing the force to
flow down and to work. It then goes down to a little above the navel
and expands.
I am watching the work of the force. It seems to me not very spiritual.
...?...
I mean it is of the nature of a sensation—not of course of a
physical sensation—but not very distinct from it.
There
is no such distinction between spiritual and material, in the sense
that the force is working on a material level—so to say—that
is, here, the psycho-physical, and there is nothing astonishing that
you may feel that working. But it conies from above and has a set purpose:
to render the bodies fit instruments for the spirit.
It
happened twice that during meditation, my head was slowly bending
backwards. Has this any meaning?
I
don't see very well.
I
did not come last week because I was then in the midst of a struggle
and did not find myself worthy of coming. It has been a difficult
time—over-powered by the mind. But now it is better. Always the
alternate coming of night and daylight.
You
spoke of a broadening of consciousness. That is an important part of
the process. If that were firmly established, it would go all right.
The essential thing to do is to watch closely the forces, to follow
the divine force in its workings and see how it works, to see what happens
and how it happens.
The
force may come down for organising the vehicles, it may work from above
or it may organise experiences. All this has to be watched.
Sometimes,
in meditation, images occur in the field of vision. But they are not
very vivid and they have the same character as the images of a dream.
Moreover, I never noticed any element in them unknown to my consciousness.
They are remembrances or due to habitual linking of thoughts. I have
always tried to reject these images. Is it all right?
The
faculty of observing images should not be opposed either. It may be
that the present images are nothing but thought-images, but it may cover
a more delicate working. And this may be the basis for some-thing higher.
You should not discourage this faculty, but you should remain watching
them, not being taken away by them.
When
looking at such images, I begin to think: What is that? Oh, this is
so and so, and so on, and my thinking (inner speech) begins to influence
the images themselves which shape themselves differently.
Of
course, this thinking has to stop, for it spoils everything. What is
needed is passivity without losing oneself.
Monday,
July 19, 1926
This
week has been calm and quiet—the meditation good.
There is a slow improvement in the separation from the acting mind—and
also an increasing peace and joy. There is nothing else to be said.
I received a letter from my friend Y, whose wife is at Geneva. He
sent me a lecture of his about internationalism and it will perhaps
show you better what the man is.
(After
reading it) It is more about nationalism than internationalism! He uses
still crude language.
...?...
Yes, he talks about love between nations. Love between nations is an
absurdity. The love that man can become conscious of for his fellow-beings
is the experience of identity, and only a few can know it. If the leaders,
the brains of a nation, could know it, that would be all right, but
nothing more can be expected. And to speak about love in such a way
is only to prepare war.
Why
so?
Because
it is a false ideal. False because not practical. Of course the Society
of Nations is based actually upon greed and vanity. But to break it
all of a sudden is an impossible task, at the present state of humanity.
Something can be done, but to hope that love can be the next motto of
it, is foolish.
About
him, I feel as if these ideals were coming more from the vital plane
than from elsewhere. He is not a mental man and has always had the
ideal of a mission to fulfil, of being guided towards it by higher
entities. In what way can I help him?
Of
course, the life energy he speaks of is a vital energy and it catches
ideals and ideas to support itself. This is a common fact and it is
all right for those who are not destined for the spiritual life. In
such a case one has to recognize that such ideals are not final and
to understand their proper nature. But to destroy this would mean that
you would have something higher to give him.
He
seems to be perfectly happy today. In his letter he says that his
soul is full of joy.
Then
it is better to leave him, not to meddle with his evolution, until he
demands something higher.
May
I come more often at the evening sittings?
Yes,
you may come.
