Saturday,
October 16, 1926
I
feel the working of two forces. One goes straight to the psychic centre
and remains there…. The other comes from above and permeates
the outer consciousness, the mind first then the vital. The first
is more inner, but calls the second one into action.
These
are two workings of the force.
I
have difficulties in keeping my mind concentrated upon the inner experience.
When I am watching these movements, I don't watch the thoughts and
they often carry me off.
But that is the correct movement that has to be made. The thoughts come
in and go out without being noticed, without attention paid to them.
But you must watch the inner movement and not the outer one. At first
you had to act upon the mind to quiet it to some extent, in order to
allow the force to begin its work. But now you must detach yourself
from the mind itself.
Are
there not two methods? One consists in looking at the thoughts as
they cross the field of the mind. The other in losing consciousness
of them by concentrating upon the inner movement?
I
think you can now enter the second movement. And you must keep in mind
that the more you can overcome the idea of working by yourself, the
quicker you will go. Allow things to be done for you.
I
think that means keeping always the inner connection with force within.
Yes.
Till you become one with the force. All things will be directed from
within. The inner consciousness will remain calm and peaceful though
for some work you may enter again the outer movement and come back again.
I
suppose this idea of self will also disappear, for it has no "raison
d'être" and is troublesome.
Yes,
it will.
I
have at times the sense of transparency, the thoughts happening as
local activities which I am looking at.
There
are two ways: One by oneself—it is slow—one by allowing everything
to be done by the Divine—it is quick.
Mother has told you about your taking part in their meditation?
I
think I misunderstood. I thought she meant my meditation with the
group here with you.
No.
With them.
What
I got in my meditations with Mother is invaluable. And I know that
much more has been received than I am conscious of. In fact I am but
little conscious of what happened.
But
Mother told me that you received well enough.
Yes,
certainly. But I only feel a deep and strong and luminous force coming
down. My knowledge is informal.
Anyhow
you are able to follow the movement. Very few are conscious of all that
happens.
I
am thankfully willing to participate in the meditation. But I will
do what you decide, as you know better.
Now,
Mme. W. told me of the possibility of my being invited to dinner by
the British Consul. There is an architect from Madras for some time
here. I don't think there is any reason to accept.
I
neither. But I will speak with Mother and answer later.
Sunday,
October 17, 1926
With
Mother:
I
think I have understood what you meant. Since yesterday I have changed
everything in my meditation. Instead of doing things myself as though
I was directing the force, I quiet simply open myself and remain passive.
Almost the whole day through I could keep the contact with the force
and opened myself to its action.
Mother:
I felt you very close all the day.
But
this puts me to sleep.
There
is nothing against that. During sleep, in you as in many others, there
is no resistance left. Everything opens and the working is perfect.
If you feel inclined to sleep don't resist it.
About
the meditation, what have you decided?
It
is decided if you are yourself ready within.
I
consider this meditation as infinitely valuable, and accept it gratefully.
I
must ask you not to feel surprised in your outer consciousness if you
see certain things which could set you wondering. They consider this
room (for meditation) a temple and behave as they would in a
temple only replacing the idol by a human figure. That gives them the
plenitude they need. You are brought up differently…
Do
not fear. First of all, this won't surprise me, I understand very
well their feeling. I do not act altogether like them, probably because,
as you say, I am brought up in other conditions and have less need
of outer manifestations. I obey, however, what I feel within. As for
being surprised, why?
Tuesday,
October 19, 1926
Meditation
with Mother at 12-15 a. m.
Something
deep must have happened. I followed the movement on the whole. It
seems to me there were two different forces. The first calm and luminous.
The second, stronger, was fixed there (solar plexus).
Mother: A force of strength?
Yes—a
force of strength. My mind was more calm today.
When
you came, you were well prepared. Your psychic being had prepared and
adorned—under a symbolic form—a sort of bed of roses and gold
leaves to receive what was going to come down. It was very pretty.
The
force which descended is a force of transformation. It will act from
the centre now—fully conscious of the movements.
....(Here
several pages from Pavitra's notebook were torn)....
Mother:
… for want of a better word, I would say: several exams—or
"tests" if you like. You have passed them all successively
and regularly, which shows that you were quite sincere. Now all will
go well till the end—all will be easy. I am sure of it.
Tomorrow he will see you after your meditation.
In
this way, I won't miss the meditation!
Saturday,
October 23, 1926
At
first, I will speak of my meditation alone. Then I feel, as I said,
two workings of force, one is behind the heart. The impression it
gives me is of living fire, but obscure. On the contrary the force
coming from above in the mind has a light behind: though I don't see
it, I know it is there. Taking for instance my meditation with Mother
today, I will say what happens when meditating with her. I feel at
first a preparatory period, when the force comes down to the head
and remains there a certain time. Then it goes down and takes possession
of the central being. There it remains. My consciousness is then drawn
backwards, but as it is a new movement for my body, there is some
difficulty arising from it, in the chest and throat, as for instance
a choking sensation.
With
Mother my mind is quiet; its activity is greatly diminished and does
not disturb me. But when alone, as I don't act upon it now, it is
sometimes very chaotic and disturbs me very much.
What
kind of movements?
Always
the same old movement. A noise awakens some association and the mind
spins around it and goes on. Then I find myself carried away and have
to come back again and again.
Do
you see what kind of movements they are? Are they true mental movements
or do they arise from below?
They
arise from below and I don't think there is anything new in them.
But there is also another kind of mental movement. Very often now
I find myself thinking of you or of Mother, thinking that I will see
you tomorrow, for instance, what I will say to you, or seeing myself
offering flowers to Mother…
Seeing?
Not
seeing, imagining rather. The process is the ordinary mental one,
it seems. But as I am awaking to the reality of what I had only an
intuition formerly, and as I come in touch with the light here above,
my mind is directed towards you. It may be there is something genuine,
but then the mind immediately works according to its old fashion.
What have I to do here?
You have nothing to do. The two movements you are conscious of are movements
of the same force. When it comes to the centre in the chest, it awakens
the being to the truth and turns it upwards. It is the human way of
establishing the communication with what is above, a straight line with
the supramental truth. When the force will be established there and
the central being come out, seize upon the outer being, it will effect
the transformation. It will direct the force downwards, everywhere,
and effect the change.
I
am so tired of my mind.
But these movements are not so important. They are the remnants of the
old way of working and they will fade away.
I
am awaiting a more radical change. Up to the present, though something
very luminous is dawning in me, there is no radical change of consciousness.
I am still the old self.
What
are you expecting?
Well!
Many things. For instance I will see my lower self as I see others'
selves. I will be no more bound by the body…
Of
course the time will come when you will see the movements of nature
in you as in others. But what you are waiting for, is it not a mental
demand? It is better not to make such demands, for they always misrepresent
the Truth. What you are asking is the Truth and you must not state in
advance that the Truth must be so and so. The mental representations,
even the best ones, are imperfect and they become obstacles. What is
needed is to realise the experiences as a part of yourself.
Then
it is too much to wait for such a change? I am awaiting a change.
Perhaps it is wrong to await something?
No,
but it is wrong to state in advance what the change will be.
Now,
in meditation I only open myself to the force and allow it to work.
I am not acting upon my mind any longer; that is why it is so restless
at times. This change in my meditation occurred last Saturday. I was
then very conscious of the presence in me and I kept the touch with
it the whole day. But since that day, though it is still working,
I am not so much conscious of it. Sometimes the force acts in the
mind, sometimes in the central being. What shall I do? I have left
the idea of directing the force.
(Sri
Aurobindo smiles).
But
shall I follow all its movements?
Remain
open and passive and follow. That is what you have to do. The force
will transform by itself and by its own means and ways. The way of doing
it with the mind is slow and imperfect, though the mind sometimes thinks
it to be the best, because it feels itself acting. That is wrong. The
mind does not know the conditions and the means. That force acts with
a directness of which the mind is incapable. And you are receptive enough
to allow it to work. Obstacles may arise, obstacles in the physical,
vital or mental, as they arise always. But that does not matter. They
will be worked out and rejected. Do not try to do something by yourself.
I
feel also an increasing need for peace, tranquility. And even the
little work I do outside disturbs me for the present. I would like
to minimise it, or even to give it up. But I suppose I have to keep
it.
Yes.
It is better to keep it. And you will arrive at a state where you will
do that work only with the outer part of yourself. It will then no longer
disturb you.
Yes.
But for the present, it is a little difficult and painful. It seems
a period of transition.
Yes.
It is a period of transition.
....(Here
several pages of conversations with Mother were torn)....
Saturday,
October 30, 1926
Nothing
remarkable is to be said. Meditation is becoming deeper and more luminous.
I feel my consciousness as if bathing in light. Also it happened that
I felt to some extent separated from my outer consciousness. Yesterday
evening, in meditation, my consciousness was very much withdrawn inside
and I nearly lost consciousness of the body. Thinking it to be a help,
I called Mother, but instead of helping me to go beyond, it seemed
that she brought me back to the physical consciousness. It is only
an impression, I have not spoken to her since.
It is not always equally easy. Some days are better than others. But
apart from these slight variations and from the recurring thoughts
of the mind there are no special difficulties now. The force is working
mainly in front of the face, where it purifies and pacifies, and on
the vital. I feel the force as luminous, white. It pervades the mind
but not yet the whole being.
My
physical body feels a little the strain resulting from the different
movements. Today I woke up with a pain in the back. I don't know if
it has any relation to yoga or is simply due to cold? It may perhaps
have a connection with the psychic centre?
But
why is the vital not opening?
It
is opening. Much more work is being done than is felt by your ordinary
consciousness. Mother tells me sometimes what is happening during the
meditation. It is all very good. The task of connecting the two consciousnesses
is going on. When this will be done, it will go quickly.
In
meditation I don't remain completely passive but I follow what the
force does. I talked with Mother about the matter and she said that
passivity was required in the beginning of the meditation but that
when the force has begun to work cooperation is to be practised.
Of
course following the movement was understood. To follow the movement,
and see what it is doing there. Complete passivity would be inconscience.
Completely
passive I would go to sleep.
I became conscious of a centre in the middle of the head, a centre
connected with both ears. I don't know yet more about it, only its
existence.
Sunday,
October 31, 1926
Interview
with Mother
My
meditation was calm and deep. A great force descended. But the last
two days were not very luminous. Yesterday particularly was a little
cloudy.
The
evening the day before, during meditation, I almost lost consciousness
of my body. I called you to help me; but instead of helping me to
free myself you put me back into my physical consciousness.
Mother:
Yes. To leave one's consciousness in order to enter another state is
not what one must seek. That may be interesting as an experience; but
the present movement is different. It is a question of linking up the
two consciousnesses, but that means to bring down the higher consciousness
into the physical body. Everything must be present there in the natural
consciousness. You will be brought back thus every time you try to escape.
Something
is being prepared for you. That was said yesterday. It is as though
the divine will had traced the goal, and the road; it is as though it
had told you : "You will be like that". It was very clear.
The Goal is known to us, but it is reserved for us two. To you it is
rather the road that this indicated. And this road is very different
from what you expected in your outer consciousness. I wouldn't know
how to express it. You would not understand me in our outer consciousness.
Your inner being knows: it almost told me sometime ago very similar.
That must become conscious. You are on the eve of something. Don't be
surprised if it is very different from what you expect or if it is very
intense. It is so willed.
…?…
Today
I saw that a shadow had tried to cloud things. But there is nothing
left of it now. When something like this descends, the first effect
is to raise up all the oppositions. All that is unsubdued in the being
bristles up. Then there is a waiting in the darkness, for one sees nothing
yet. That must be the cause of your difficulties yesterday.
Remain calm and concentrated.
....(Several
conversations which followed were torn)....
